You might have heard a lot of crazy stories about what's going on in Iraq. Some people might even suggest that America - sorry, I mean the "coalition" - is not even welcome in Iraq, or that all those casualties since the end of the war aren't just unfortunate accidents. You see, because of many years of poverty and sanctions, which is mostly France's fault, Baghdad doesn't even have proper traffic lights, and troops and civilians are being run over by Humvees almost constantly. You may have heard that the water and sanitation is in a disastrous state - This is mostly to do with excess quantities of oil beneath the ground, seeping into the water supply, and we are doing all we can to extract this troublesome oil and ship it to various corporate charities.

Some ignorant folk might even suggest that there are no WMD's in Iraq, or that we lack legal grounds for ousting that hyper-evil mass-murdering puppy-torturing dictator Saddam. Well let me ask you, what is a WMD? Is it a nuclear bomb, a vat of anthrax, or could it be anything that causes great damage, like a piece of "explosive" propaganda? When our political excuses are weakened, everyone suffers the consequences - the many soldiers who risk being sent back to the dole queue, the corporate shareholders, the FOXtel customers who paid good money for an entertaining war coverage, and of course the great nation of Iraq, which we are trying to remake and mould in our own image - a little piece of Texas in the Arab desert. It's a great vision, but we may have to step on the toes of a few hippy civil libertarians to get there.

Plainly some journalists don't realise that revealing the truth in a time of war can also be an act of treason. And until we wipe out terrorism, we are at war until further notice! So what can YOU, the average voter, do to help?

1. When it does come your turn to vote, remember that the big red button is the one to push. Don't bother reading the actual ballot screen, just push the button that takes up three-quarters of the screen space. It couldn't be easier! And don't pay attention to anyone who suggests that the Republicans couldn't possibly have gotten 70% of the vote in Harlem.

2. Remember the terror-free scout law: You'll dob, dob, dob. Spy on your neighbours. Bug the local Mosque. Anyone that suggests that Supreme Overlord Bush is in some way less than perfect is thinking SUBVERSIVE, UNAMERICAN THOUGHTS AND MUST BE STOPPED BEFORE HE SUICIDE BOMBS YOUR LOCAL MCDONALDS. And remember, if you dob in your friends, relatives and neighbours first - they can't dob you in! Encourage your subversive friends to use terrorist keywords like "bomb" and "Osama" in telephone conversations and in their email. We can't listen to everyone at once you know!

3. Always remember that we deserve to run the world. After all, we are the world's only superpower. How can we have possibly gotten so super unless we were clearly the best at everything? You wouldn't want to leave any land or resources in the hands of filthy savages would you? Some of these people don't know what negative gearing or a sound investment strategy is!

4. WAR IS GOOD. War is an essential part of the Coalition of the Willing's economy. We've got to keep the tanks rolling to keep the food on your plate. So any sort of protraction of the Iraq situation keeps our unemployment figures down. And if those figures rise any more, well, let's just say that I might be joining you on our threadbare social security system. So as long as we can keep fighting wars on subjects as vague as drugs, terrorism and democracy, we can keep American folks dreaming their American dreams.

So do your part. Stay vigilant, paranoid and trigger-happy. There are plenty of countries left to liberate.