On a tight budget?

Concerned about your safety?

Why not leave the world behind at fabulous GUANTANAMO BAY? You'll be behind dozens of layers of razor wire and guard dogs, so there's virtually no chance of terrorism ruining your holiday experience!

* ENJOY the skeet shooting, windsurfing and tennis, all available on the Nintendo in the back shed, if you have enough good behaviour credits

* RELAX as our expert masseurs pound the stress out of you with large clubs, on a daily basis

* WITNESS the dreamy sunsets, from behind the fabric of the bag on your head

* WONDER when you are going to be released, or even charged with anything

* SPEND some quality time with your lawyer - 'cos when we haul your arse into a military court, you can kiss even more of your basic rights goodbye!

And to be eligible for membership at the Guantanamo bay resort, you don't need friends in the government, or eight credit cards, no, all you need to do is join Al-Quaeda (I think they have a website...), or just call the F.B.I. and tell them that you're a terrorist and that you think George Bush is a total douche. Our highly trained staff will be at your door in no time, to whisk you away to paradise - a paradise unfettered by the restraints of the Geneva Convention.