MUSTARD ALERT:
Osama pledges support for Bush

Head bad guy Osama bin Laden today pledged his support for the 2004 re-election campaign of Supreme Overlord George Bush the Second and his gang of neo-conservative cronies. In an announcement that surprised nobody but the Bush campaign themselves, bin Laden said that "Bush keeps the fires of hatred stoked" and "without Bush's war we would already have been defeated".

Elaborating further, bin Laden said that the September 11 attacks on America had been inspired by the neo-conservative think tank the Project for the New American Century (PNAC) (featuring such Bush admin luminaries as Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Paul Wolfowitz, Richard Armitage, John Bolton, Douglas Feith and the Prince of Darkness Richard Perle). "They said they needed a new Pearl Harbour before they could declare war on the peoples of the world. So I decided to give them their Pearl Harbour. Give it to them good!"

"Sure," said bin Laden (translated directly from foreign), "he's managed to do a lot of damage in four years. But now that he's got the 'invade anybody whenever you want' legislation passed by Congress he can really start into a bit of proper world domination. Now that's cause for fucking jihad!" He went on to explain that it was only thanks to PNAC that he discovered that an Iraq war has long been wanted by this group as prelude to a full-scale global takeover. "They just needed someone to provide the excuse," bin Laden shrugged. "I guess that person was me. hahahahaHaHaHaHAHAHAHA!" he cackled evilly.

bin Laden refused to be drawn on future terrorist attacks by his al Qaeda group. "We'll just have to see how they do. If they start to flag a bit with the world dominance trip we can always drop another plane crash in or something, keep the fires burning. Actually we've been thinking we might do one just before the elections, just to make sure Bush gets over the line. But then we heard they were planning one themselves. There's really not much need for me to co-ordinate much these days. They fuck everything up plenty good without need for much intervention. No need killing more innocent people than neccesary.

"I can just kick back in this Saudi palace - oops, I probably shouldn't say that." bin Laden laughed. "Doesn't matter, we all know this is the last place they'd look! I mean, this is the home of Halliburton - and they pay Cheney $1 million a year!"

Asked about alleged links between himself and Bush through their common oil families, bin Laden was evasive. "You must be buying into some of those crazy conspiracies." His eyes dart back and forth. "Crazy, crazy conspiracies. No, me no knowee Bush. Me heap big bad guy. Bush cowboy good guy."

The reporter of this story has been sacked for unrelated reasons.